He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
