I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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