Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
