my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize