my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
