You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
