Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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