i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
