im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Don't EVER smell your tampon
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
