I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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