remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
