Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
where are you?
Hypothermia
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
as a side note pls kill me
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
