From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
