Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
