thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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