I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
