oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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