I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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