Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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