so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
