he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize