she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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