I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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