the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
