she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
