just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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