I can feel you judging me through the phone.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
