I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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