and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
