Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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