HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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