Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A+ Viking dick
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
