I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
