I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
