I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
