I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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