Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
