if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
