I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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