susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
