Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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