I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
