So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
