well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
