I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
