i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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