Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
