i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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