3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
