Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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