Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
