I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Let's get the cat blown out
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
